Woobly Wobbly Wushhhhhh

Here's the truth. I thought I had managed myself quite well all these time. Being tough and trying to keep my composure while continously fighting over self-doubt and stereotype. I tried. I did try my best, for my works, for my kids, for my studies, for my relationships.

I, who never easily remembering names, yet I know each kids in our school, I remember each family backgrounds, study level of each students. I did spend my time with close friends, hanging out now and then. I did spend my time to write poems whenever the words are tingling on my forehead. I did spend my time to join book discussions till midnight crawl over me. I did spend my time to be the playwright for theaters, or writing songs for that. Yes. I did my study too, every night. When everyone else were busy finding patients, study for OSCE, VIVA, Competency tests, quizzes, writing the reports, I just prepared myself enough. Or nearly enough. My everyday were classes at the morning, clinics at the evening,  continue with the school to volunteer, and straight to any cafe to study (if I didn't have meetings or theater rehearsal or book discussion). I stopped cooking since I started this new lifestyle. One year. No. Nearly two years. Last Ramadhan I had my iftar at home only twice. The rest are on the streets while walking home, at masjid, at Arab's house, or at any restaurants. Because I rarely home, everyday I ate once (outside). Or I ate once every two days, or three days. This maybe the reason I got anaemic with Hgb reading 9. Yes. I got scolded for this.

But I never let myself feeling stress. I know I enjoyed my life. I watch movies. I watch dramas. I sleep a lot. I laugh a lot too.  I forget before I can get hurt. Or I tried to.

This had went on like forever. I had cope. I beared everyday with those schedule of mine, trying to enjoy every single things and convincing myself that I am okay and I love my life. It's just that these days, everything seems more tiring, no, exhausting, than it had ever been. It is all compressed till it bursts.

I thought I had managed myself quite well. Maybe I was not. Maybe I just force myself to do well, or to look like I am doing well. Maybe these were all meant to just confine within me and torn me out.

Yes. Who said I did well? I didn't. I can't do everything. I have to choose.

I want to stop.
Fullstop. Really.

I want to start cooking again. I want to really read books when I study. I don't want to be this exhausted anymore.

😢




Ulasan

  1. Moga terus kuat kak dayu!

    Saya mengagumi akak dari jauh. Cara akak, hidup akak, semuanya begitu menginspirasikan. Tak sangka hidup akak yang sebenarnya begitu memenatkan.

    Teringin nak bertegur sapa, bercakap tentang hidup yang kebanyakan waktunya mencelakakan kita, bercerita tentang orang orang yang talam dua muka, berkongsi bacaan bacaan ilmiah yang akak baca. Namun kekuatan untuk tegur itu tiada ahaha.

    Semoga terus maju dalam hidup!

    BalasPadam

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dah habis dah sekolah. macam tu je.

conteng baju sekolah^^

Engaged

iklil, kita kawan kan?? :(

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